A Tall Order at the Restaurant I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note: “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants.” So I wrote back: “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I’m not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

JOB APPLICANT AT A WINERY At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable." "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass... "This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results." "Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive," the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

Poor Choices A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars, and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Papal Transportation Mishap One day the the pope is being driven to an event in a limo and the limo breaks down. A passer by in a fiat 500 stops to give aid but can't really help. The pope says "I don't know what I'm going to do I really need to get to this event". The good samaritan says "look, just take my car and I'll wait for the breakdown truck for you". So the pope and the chauffeur get into the fiat 500 but the chauffeur is too tall and can't drive it because his knees are jammed up against the steering wheel. So the pope tells the chauffeur to squeeze into the back and he will drive. Anyway, just as the pope is about to close the door this kid rides up on a bike, stops and says hello to his holyness. The pope says hello, gives the kid a blessing and says "sorry I've really got to go". He slams the door shut and soots off in the 500. The kid's braces get caught in the door and the kid shoots off being towed by the 500. A little while later two police officers in a petrol car spoot the speeding 500. The first says "hey, did you see that kid on a bike trying to overtake the fiat 500." the second replies "yes and there must have been someone really important in it, did you see who his driver was".

The Flocktail Party Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, "Okay." The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables. He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says, ‘'You have exactly 1,586 sheep." The shepherd cheers, "That's correct, you can have your choicest sheep from the herd." The young man takes one of the animals which he likes most and cute from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?" The young man laughed and answers, "Yes, why not?" The shepherd says, "You are an auditor." "How did you know?" asks the young man. "Very simple," answers the shepherd. " First, you came here without being wanted. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business... now can I have my DOG back?"

An old blind cowboy strolls into a bar one day. Without knowing it, he has actually entered an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He wanders over to a barstool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels. He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? At that point, the entire bar falls deadly silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, cowboy! Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke? The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

The Joke Tree - Fun Begins